An interview with Brandon Snuffer

Wednesday, 11 March 2020 at 9:00 AM

 

For an audio recording of the following transcript, click here.

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Interviewer: Hi, Brandon. Are you ready for your interview?

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Brandon: (with an Oh Shit look) Uh... uh... ohh..

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Interviewer: Brandon.

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Brandon: Uh...

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Interviewer: You doing alright?

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Brandon: Yeah, why do you ask?

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Interviewer: You are very shaky. Nervous?

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Brandon: Naaa... I'm just a coward.

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Interviewer: Hahaha...

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Brandon: Hahaha...

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Interviewer: (awkward look)

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Brandon: Yeah.

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Interviewer: So - let's first talk about your career.

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Brandon: What career?

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Interviewer: Fair point.

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Brandon: Right.

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Interviewer: So, where are you working theses days?

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Brandon: No where.  I am on my 11th start-up that isn't going to make it. And I have one client that is just the absolute perfect fit for me. Other than that, just hanging in there.

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Interviewer: Lovely. You're still shaking... you need to take a break?

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Brandon: Naaa.. I'm just trying to hide something and I am really fearful of you.

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Interviewer: No need to be afraid of me, Brandon. Though I can, I am not going to hurt you.

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Brandon: Pew.

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Interviewer: Okay, so let's talk about your life. Do you ever see your son?

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Brandon: No. Sore Subject. 

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Interviewer: I see. Because your son's mother knows what kind of person you really are?

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Brandon: Exactly. 

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Interviewer: So - you never see him?

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Brandon: Sore subject.

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Interviewer: So where are you living these days?

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Brandon: At a hotel.

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Interviewer: Oh, wow! Like a suite at a really nice hotel?

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Brandon: Hahaha... you could say that. I'm in a regular room at an economy brand hotel.

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Interviewer: Lovely. In a nice city, I hope?

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Brandon: In Conyers, Georgia.

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Interviewer: I don't know where that is.

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Brandon: It's a small town. But the hotel is across from a horse park!  And you know I love horses.

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Interviewer: I didn't know, no.

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Brandon: Nay!!!

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Interviewer: (confused look)

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Brandon: That's my horse impression.

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Interviewer: Ahh.

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Brandon: (blank stare)

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Interviewer: That was really something... ummm.. so... what do you like about horses?

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Brandon: (cheeky grin)

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Interviewer: Ahh.

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Brandon: riding them and I love their big, long - 

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Interviewer: okay! 

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Brandon: necks.

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Interviewer: Okay. Let's move away from horses.

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Brandon: Okay.

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Interviewer: Okay.

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Brandon: Nay!!

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Interviewer: Brandon. Do you need a moment?

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Brandon: Sometimes I pretend I'm a horse. A stallion! Fierce and brave! (runs around the room on his hands and knees like a horse) Saddle me up!!!

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Interviewer: Let's take a break.

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(10 minute break)

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Interviewer: So.. Brandon, are you better now?

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Brandon: Ugh. I just love horses. That's why I work at the horse park on the weekends.

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Interviewer: You... work at the horse park on the weekends?

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Brandon: Yeah. To make extra money. I am a parking attendant at the horse park - for the horse trailers. (points down) Hey! Look at this rainbow unicorn patch I quilted for my red leather jacket. 

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Interviewer: Wow, Brandon.  That is... really... nice. I am proud of you.

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Brandon: Thank you. My horn can piece the sky!! (winks)

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Interviewer: Okay, so ... tell me about pickles... I hear you love to make pick--

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Brandon: Pickles! YES! YUM! OOOOOHHH MHH GGG..... I love pickles.  I love them! I love to eat them.  I go through great links to ensure my pickles are handled with tenderness... 

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Interviewer: What is your secret?

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Brandon: Unicorns aren't real.

 

Interviewer: I mean, your pickle secret.

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Brandon: Oh... tee hee... it's little.

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Interviewer: Also, it's no secret unicorns aren't real.

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Brandon: Tito the Tiger?! Waaaa...

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Interviewer: No, Brandon... no... are you.. okay? Are you thinking of Tito's Vodka?

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Brandon: (eyes bulge from his head)

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Interviewer: Brandon -it's nine in the morning.

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Brandon: True! Ha! And - I did just stop drinking like, OMG, 4 hours ago... tee hee!

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Interviewer: Can we get back to the interview?

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Brandon: Unicorns! Yippee!

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Interviewer: No - I was asking you about your pickle secret.

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Brandon: Well, I spend a lot of time experiencing other people's pickles. I love to try other's pickles and compare them. 

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Interviewer: Compare them to...?

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Brandon: Mine, silly.

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Interviewer: Ahh. And?

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Brandon: It doesn't always matter what I think. You have to give and take pickles! Yesterday evening, I took a pickle to a friend of mine's hotel room a few doors down from mine to let him experience the thrill!

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Interviewer: Great! A longtime friend of yours?

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Brandon: No! I met this guy at the bar at O'Charley's a few days ago. He started staying at the hotel where I stay that very night. I think he a local? Anyway...  It was soo sweet of him.

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Interviewer: Ahh.. okay. Anyway... so...

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Brandon: So he LOVED my pickle.  Couldn't get enough!  He wanted more of my stuff. So I let him try my cheese puffs too. 

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Interviewer: I can't tell if we are talking about actual pickles anym ---

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Brandon: I stayed all night. (cheeky grin)

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Interviewer: --wow--

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Brandon:  yaaasss! My shakiness came in handy lmao!!!

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Interviewer: I don't ... know.. wh --

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Brandon: To shake pickles, silly!  You have to shake them to make sure they satisfactorily moist!

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Interviewer: Okay... So let's talk about your Mom, Glenda.

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Brandon: Glenna.

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Interviewer: Glenna. Excuse me.

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Brandon: Hey mom!

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Interviewer: She.. says.. hi... back... I'm sure... anyway.  Your mom..

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Brandon: Is my biggest fan!

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Interviewer: That is very sweet. 

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Brandon: My only fan.  I'm so along.  (cries)

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Interviewer: Are you.. o... alright. Get him a tissue.

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Brandon: I love tissues... and socks.

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Interviewer: that is - weird.

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Brandon: pickles! 

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Interviewer: Your mom, does she know what kind of person you really are?

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Brandon: All the things I do to try and hurt people?

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Interviewer: Yes.

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Brandon: I'm jealous.

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Interviewer: Jealous?

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Brandon: Of nearly everyone. 

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Interviewer: Ahhh...

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Brandon: I'm just so alone. A lonely. rainbow. UNICORN!

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Interviewer: Ahh.

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Brandon: RAAAAAARR!

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Interviewer: Do you have rage?

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Brandon: Against the machine. Are you a machine?

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Interviewer: I am so perplexed. 

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(silence for 30 seconds)

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Brandon: Nay!! I'm Mr. Horse. Of course. Of coursssssseeee.... Nom nom NOM! Eat the grass... Nay.

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(10 minutes break)

 

Interviewer: So, want to try this again?

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Brandon:  Nay!

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Interviewer: No?

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Brandon: Horse again. Tee Hee!  - Sure! Giddy up! Uhhhh... I mean... let's go.

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Interviewer: So, you try to hurt people because you are alone?

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Brandon: I try to take people down because if I can't be great and do great things, no one should be able to.

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Interviewer: Is that what your grandfather would do, God rest his soul?

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Brandon: No. But no one even knows. So - it's fine.

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Interviewer: It's fine?

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Brandon: Yaaass, gurl! I have my pickle, my puffs, and my horses. Yass! I am a-okay!

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Interviewer: Alright. Listen. I don't even know why we wasted time on this interview with you. You literally bring no value. I have nothing else really to ask you about since your life is --- well, is what it is.

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Brandon: I am so good. I have a Lexus.

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Interviewer: That's great, l think that about does it - 

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Brandon: I named it Kitty.

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Interviewer: (blank stare)

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Brandon: (cheeky grin)

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Interviewer: Okay, that's it.. that's a wrap.

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Brandon: Here kitty, kitty!

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Brandon: Want a pickle?

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